Robyn Troup: Winner of NYRock's Hot Crotch Award

The 49th Grammy Awards, February 12, 2007

Are we ready to bring sexy back? Hells no. The 49th Annual Grammy Awards featured the ugliest stage display of all time. The red and blue LED scroll at the top of the stage? It's like the New York Stock Exchange did the decorating. Craptacular!

Ladies and gentlemen, I called it. Read our NYRock blog and you'll see that on the day the Police announced they would reform for the Grammys, I wondered if Sting would wear his trademark sleeveless shirt. He one-upped me. He wore a vest with nothing but his forehead as an accessory. Sting: tantric sex fan, allergic to sleeves.

Sting performing with the Police at the Grammys, 2/12/07. Photo © Grammy.com.

Speaking of skin, people need to lay off the spray tan stuff. Everyone had the complexion of a Dorito.

Jamie Foxx said that when it was announced that the Police were opening the Grammys, Snoop left. "He Crip-walked out of the Grammys!" said Foxx, imitating Snoop dragging his heels to escape "the police." This was lost on the many non-gangstas in the audience. Quick to redeem himself, Foxx blurted, "That joke will kill on BET."

Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder won best Pop Collaboration With Vocal for "For Once In My Life." No one has actually heard that song, but that's beside the point. Also, Tony Bennett has blue hair.

Rebel girl Joan Baez introduced the Dixie Chicks who performed "Not Ready To Make Nice." Natalie Maines wore fingerless black gloves that went up to her elbows. Don't mess with her or she'll get all Street Fighter on your ass.

Prince strutted onstage, redefining "sexy back," and catapulted Justin Timberlake back to his Mickey Mouse Club days. Prince introduced Beyonce who sang that unspectacular song from Dreamgirls. Note to B: I know it's hard, but just cut your ties to Dreamgirls already. Jennifer Hudson clearly owns that shit.

Big love to Mary J. Blige who won Best R&B Album for The Breakthrough. Through tears, she thanked God a bunch of times and talked about how she's growing into a better human being. And she must have had a lot of snot trickling from her nose because she kept sniffling, trying to suck the snot back into her face. Sexy.

Mary J. Blige performing at the Grammys, 2/12/07. Photo © Grammy.com.

American Idol mania has infiltrated the Grammys. Viewers were able to vote for one of three young girls, and the winner would get to do a duet with Justin Timberlake later in the show. Someone is so getting a dick in a box.

Not televised – OK GO won Best Short Form Video for "Here It Goes Again," wherein the band performed a little routine with treadmills. Upon hearing the news, treadmill manufacturers across the world were freakin' psyched.

Justin Timberlake pulled a Bono and filmed his face with a video camera during "What Goes Around." Viewers had a very intimate brush with his nose, eyebrows, and eyes. JT, you need to do it Tommy Lee-style and stick the camera down your pants. We want to see your dick on our box.

Not televised – Slayer won Best Metal Performance for "Eyes of the Insane." Mastodon and Lamb of God need to stick around for another 25 years in order for the Recording Academy to acknowledge their existence.

Stevie Wonder waxed poetic about how today's young singer-songwriters are really good and really talented. He then introduced a collaborative performance between Corinne Bailey Rae, John Legend, and John Mayer – three artists who make your parents raise their lighters in the air and wave them around like they just don't care. Pause to pick your nose and contemplate your boogers.

Shakira performing at the Grammys, 2/12/07. Photo © Grammy.com.

Anonymous announcer: "Performing for the first time at the Grammys, Latin sensation Shakira with Wyclef!" You know, Shakira is pretty well known in this country, too. It's not like she's a mysterious talent that is suddenly being thrust into our consciousness. Speaking of thrust, Shakira did her now-famous titty-shake dance complete with the bump-a-rump booty shuffle. As if that wasn't dazzling enough, she was wearing a gold lamé wrap skirt. Her ass looked like a great big Werther's Original candy and my sweet tooth be achin'. Looks like someone's in the running for the Hot Crotch Award.

Promiscuous boy Burt Bacharach wants to make sweet sweet man-love to Seal. He was stuttering when asking Seal if the two of them could write a song together. They presented the Dixie Chicks with Song of the Year for "Not Ready to Make Nice." Though I was rooting for "Dick In A Box" as a write-in, I was completely thrilled with the Chicks' win. America, you are redeeming yourself in some small way.

Gnarls Barkley's performance showed the world what giant, perfect, white teeth Cee-Lo Green has.

Ludacris accepted his award for Best Rap Album for Release Therapy looking like a door-to-door vacuum salesman in a gray suit.

Mary J. Blige looked like she was having diarrhea cramps during her performance of "Be Without You." She was bent over and kind of duck-walking, just spewing out her goods. It took the house down and left nothing but the paint on the walls and Cee-Lo's giant teeth.

Moment of the evening: Dixie Chicks accept the award for Best Country Album. "That's interesting," someone quipped. Natalie Maines got to the mic and said, "To quote the great Simpsons, 'Ha-ha'" a la Nelson. Smell ya later, Country Music Awards. The Chicks also won Record of the Year. Not to put all my dicks in a box, but I'm feeling Album of the Year is in store.

Dear, dear Smokey Robinson. Girlfriend, if you want to rock a black lace shirt, do it the right way and wear a camisole underneath. Also, you look hella bloated. Try a diuretic.

Christina Aguilera threw down on "It's A Man's, Man's, Man's World" and pushed her vocals so hard it's a wonder she didn't crap her white bellbottoms. Nonetheless, she was riveting.

The winner of the sing-with-Justin contest was a girl by the name of Robyn Troup. Not only did she perform "My Love" with Justin and T.I., but she is also the recipient of NYRock's Hot Crotch Award. Her pink-ruffled brown miniskirt-dress thing had very little competition this year, but we're happy to present it to her all the same.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers performed a boring, slow song that I didn't bother to find the name of. Then Queen Latifah and Al "Let's Pretend My Wife Isn't Tipper Gore, Co-Founder of Parents Music Resource Center, Averse to Rock Music and Therefore Hated By Many People In This Room" Gore presented the Peppers with Best Rock Album for Stadium Arcadium. The competition was fierce: Tom Petty, The Raconteurs, John Mayer Trio, and Neil Young. Wake me when someone's dick is in a box, preferably Al Gore's.

Finally Don Henley and "currently recording her first album" Scarlett Johansson presented Album of the Year to the motherfuggin Dixie Chicks for Taking The Long Way. All the country music purists who kept them down for the past three years can suck on Rick Rubin's bushy beard. Sexy's back, and it's mad as hell.