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Dr. Dot     Dear Dr. Dot
© 2005 Dr. Dot, NY Rock
Dr. Dot (a nickname given by Frank Zappa in 1988) has tended to the musical elite for nearly two decades. She describes herself as a "rock chick" who, as a teenager, wanted to meet her musical heroes without trading sexual favors. Instead, Dr. Dot offered massages, which she had been perfecting since she was five years old. Clients have included Sting, Eminem, the Rolling Stones, Sheryl Crow, Robert Plant, Kiss, Aerosmith, Blondie, Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, Vin Diesel, R. Kelly and Bruce Willis. She recently completed her first American book, "Butt-Naked and Backstage: Diary of the World's Greatest Rock and Roll Masseuse."

     Submit a question to Dr. Dot

August 2005

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am a drug addict who has been clean for the past year, until my relapse... AGAIN the past two weeks. Been to numerous rehabs, but still chose to do drugs again. I am extremely depressed! My job is on the line. What do I do?? Help please!
- Jessica

Dear Jessica,
If you can't shake that addictive behavior, then find something else, something safer to be addicted to. Try sex, music, or fitness, ANYTHING but drugs. We are only here once on this earth; you are wasting time when you drink or do drugs (in excess). If you can't seem to do those things in moderation, then don't do them at all. I really don't see the point in doing those things, as I have seen many people, including some very close to me, take their own lives with drugs. It's just a slow suicide that hurts everyone around you. It is selfish and dumb. Just quit cold turkey and ask yourself, "what is really bothering me?" Is your job boring? Unhappy with your love life? Don't like the area you live in? ALL of those things can be changed! Just do it! I have changed my life so many times, and it feels great every time. You have nothing to lose if you are already down that low, know what I mean?
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My woman insists she is too chubby, but I like her as she is. She is always moaning about dieting and how we have to do it in the dark because she is shy about her full figure. She is taking diet pills and it makes her cranky. How can I finally convince her that I like her plump? Am I the only man that likes women big?
- Justin

Dear Justin,
No, you are not the only guy who likes 'em big. Frank Zappa has a song that goes "Who wants to ride on an ironing board? That ain't no fun, I tried me one; the bigger the cushion, the better the pushin'." When your girl mentions her flab again, say "look honey, obviously I find you sexy, otherwise I wouldn't keep trying to shag you." Run that Zappa quote by her and bring some humor into the situation. Tell her you LOVE her big cushion!
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
How can I put this politely, my boyfriend has funky spunk. I enjoy giving him head, but when cums, I freak out from the taste. His sperm is chunky style and has a fishy odor, I feel like he is dishing out chunky style clam chowder! He is offended by this and we argue about it constantly. He would literally have to put his love juice in a blender and add flavoring to have me swallow it without yakking. Does one leave a loved one for such a thing? I love him a lot, but this is our road block.
- Anti-Fish Fran

Dear Fran,
A man's juice gets chunky if he isn't cleaning out his pipes often enough. Have him wank on the days you don't have sex and I bet he isn't drinking enough liquids. Dehydration, even in the slightest form can chunk things up. If you want to dilute his clam chowder once and for all, tell him those tips: empty the supply often and keep it thin by drinking lots of water. The fish part, well, if he isn't eating fish on a regular basis (you are what you eat, literally) then he may have a slight infection, which can cause that fishy odor. Good luck getting him to go to a doctor about it; men usually hate that! If he is a big fish eater, ask him to cut down a bit, see if the taste and smell changes. If all else fails, tell him he is lucky to get head on a regular basis or give him a mouth-full of his Clam Chowder next time to taste, so he isn't missing out on any of the, ahem, fun.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
You used to answer questions about health and beauty and other topics, so I was hoping you could help me out with this one. I have a hard time answering the question, "Do I look fat in this?Ē Girlfriends and sometimes girls I donít know ask me this and I just don't know the correct answer. I don't want to be honest and get my eyes scratched out if they really do look fat (which is the case most of the time), but yet I hate lying. I am tired of this pressure and understand why some men turn gay!
- Tina

Dear Tina,
If you were my friend, I would want to know the truth. Try this, if the girl does look fat in a particular garment, say, "That is not very flattering, try something different." (This statement can only be used at home, when there are other options to try on.) If it is a close friend, keep giving that statement until she finds something that makes the best out of what she's got. If there is nothing that helps her chubby ass, then say, "Well, that one is the best, but you should really start exercising so things fit you better." If it is a female you don't know, say for example out a bar or club, just say, "You look fine to me" or "You are workin' it!" -- because there will be nothing gained except a cat fight if you tell her, "Actually, you look like a sausage." Tiny white lies are sadly part of life, but may save your ass in such a situation.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My husband told me that he is bored with our sex life. I am devastated and worried that he will have an affair if I don't find a way to spice things up. Lately, when I initiate sex, he says he is tired or just not in the mood. We need a sex make over fast! Help!
- Frida

Dear Frida,
I don't see why it's just up to you to save the love life; you are not his home entertainment system. I can give you a few hot tips, but wait until he approaches you for sex before you put them into use, as I think coming onto him could bore him at this point.

Take a big mirror and prop it up against a wall and strip for him so he can see you from the front and back simultaneously. Have him sit in a chair while you kneel and give him oral, making sure he can see your pink parts while he is melting in your mouth. Another hot surprise is to give him a bag full of the following: A couple bananas, hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream, cherries and perhaps some ice cream as well. When he asks "What the hell is this for?" say "Make me into your banana split." Let him decorate your naked, shaved body and then eat it off you. Be careful not to let the whipped cream get into your snatch, as it causes a nasty yeast infection. This is a messy treat, but one that will stay in his mind forever. Think up cute things like these, but only whip them out once in a while. Don't raise the bar too high as he may expect you to shoot fireworks out of your pussy eventually.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have been with my girlfriend for two years now, and she keeps mentioning that she wants us to get married. I think it's fine just the way it is, but she is persistent, almost giving me an ultimatum, as in, "We marry or I go." I love her madly and don't want to lose her, but I am afraid of marriage (aren't most guys?). If you can solve this one, I will send you a fat check (just kidding).
- Adam

Dear Adam,
You are preaching to the choir here; I am against the idea of marriage too. The masses will loathe my opinion, but it's time to face reality. 50 percent of all marriages end up in a bitter, expensive divorce. Bring her out to dinner or a boat ride, some place relaxing and pleasant and tell her you love her and want to stay with her, but are afraid that marriage would actually drive you two apart. Remind her about the 50-percent divorce rate and plead with her not to put your relationship into such a risky situation. You can still have a big party to declare your love for one another, but why the paper work?

Ask her how many happily married couples does she actually know. That alone should shut her up. If she keeps pushing you, stick to your decision and tell her marriage is just not for you. If she really loves you, she will understand and stay with you. If not, you will find out fast, as she may leave you and find someone else who loves the idea of marriage. Unless your partner is from another country, and you have to marry because of immigration laws, why marry and ruin the passion? Nowadays you can have a loving healthy relationship, even bringing up children together without all that pressure and paperwork. It is pushed upon us by the media. Look how many people make a living off of weddings: dress designers, cake bakers, wedding planners etc. There would be a lot more unemployed people if we stopped tying the knot (and divorcing).
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I love my husband, but don't feel up to doing the dirty deed with him as much as he wants to. The "headache" excuse is running thin now. Do you have any polite excuses that work? Again, I love him, but I could live without the sex part of our relationship. Please help ASAP!
- Nancy

Dear Nancy,
The ol' headache excuse doesn't make sense anyways, as sex is a good cure for that (it's true!). If you are not up to being upfront and honest, you could always say you have a yeast infection or your period, but that wouldn't prevent you from giving him oral sex, anal sex or a happy-ending massage. You may want to at least make him feel good, as men tend to look elsewhere for physical fun if the woman they love continuously rejects them. If you really love your husband, show him; life is short.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My girlfriend and I have had a couple threesomes, always me, her and another female. My girlfriend liked it so much; she keeps requesting to do it again and again. I am afraid I opened a lesbian door or something. Do you think she will turn gay and leave me? How can I get her all to myself again?
- Randy

Most of the times, not all though, threesomes lead to big drama. It sounds like a hot idea, but after the climaxes are over and reality sets in, everyone is faced with "uh, where do we go from here" kind of feeling. I am a firm believer that you can't change a person and what will be, will be. Maybe you should think likewise as the more you stress about it, the faster you will drive her away. Just let it run its course and try not to show it makes you feel insecure. Just make sure you give her a spontaneous super romp when she least expects it, reminding her you are exciting and can still please her, one on one.
- Dr. Dot

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Want more Dr. Dot?:
Dear Dr. Dot (NY Rock), July '05
Dear Dr. Dot (NY Rock), June '05
Dear Dr. Dot (NY Rock), May '05
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