NY Rock: Dear Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I had been obese all my life and designed my life around my obesity. Always reading, not going out, working at my local parish. One day I decided I wanted to lose weight; I became conscious of what I ate and the pounds just started to melt away! I hadn't realized my accomplishment until my own mother didn't recognize me and walked right by me at the supermarket! Suffice it to say, I lost all my friends because they said everyone looked at me now, leaving nothing for them! I was heartbroken until my parents urged me to stop crying over people who were so blatantly jealous of me and that I should go out and live the life I had never lived with their blessings. And then my father added: "You don't only look normal now; you look gorgeous! Why didn't you do this earlier?"

All my life I dreamed to be able to see my favorite band live on stage and then maybe try my luck backstage, but was always ashamed of the way I looked. Even though I am proud of my looks today, I dread that my dad is right. I think I'm way too old for daring to pose as a groupie backstage. I'm 32 going on 33 (but I've been told I look much younger). Do you still think I have a chance of realizing my dream even if it is for just one time?
- Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,
Congrats for shedding your extra weight. It not only looks better and makes one feel sexier, it is healthier to have a normal weight. You already proved to yourself you can accomplish things you set your mind to, so trying to meet a favorite band should be a breeze compared to losing lots of weight. Start out trying to meet a couple of local bands and see how they react to you. If that goes over well, why not try for your favorite band? You only live once. I wrote an informative article called "How to Get Backstage Without Blowing Anyone" that may give you some pointers. Have a look:
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3

- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have been seeing a girl recently. Things have gone well. Now, like any other red-blooded male I feel a desire to mark my territory. I've tried the basics, leaving watches behind, etc., but I feel I should do something more permanent. Taking queues from mother nature, I am considering marking my territory with urine (not just leaving a few drops on her toilet seat, I mean pissing on her door, etc.) Do you think this is appropriate in this day and age? Or is my testosterone-driven agenda clouding my rational thought process? If I decide to go ahead where would be the best place to do it?
- Territorial Tom

Dear Tom,
I think that's a brilliant idea. Wait until really late at night when you kiss your sweetie goodbye, then whip it out and piss all around her building. Not her front door as that would end up smelling like Penn Station after a while. Just on her building or in her yard, etc. Just knowing you marked your territory will give you an extra shot of confidence, an extra spring in your step, which is an irresistible trait. Try not to get caught, as that could result in making her sick or even worse, turning her on.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I just finished reading your response to the guy who thinks he doesn't produce enough sperm when he ejaculates. I have the OPPOSITE condition: When I cum, it's like a geyser, and it doesn't matter if it's during masturbation or sex. Every woman I've ever been with is startled after having sex with me for the first time; they can't believe that I have cum so much, and wonder if I have not had an orgasm for days or weeks before having sex with them. In your response to "Little Load Larry," you said that shooting such heavy loads isn't normal. So is there something wrong with me?
- Big Load Al

Dear Big Al,
No, nothing "wrong" at all. It's just that you are juicier. Maybe you should go into porn. Just kidding. If the women get freaked out, just say "Wow, I usually don't cum so much. You do this to me, baby," and they will think of it as a compliment rather than as an inconvenience or wet freak show. But don't take it personally if none of them can swallow your tide without pausing a few times.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Gary,
I know, I know; this is a tough one. Casually mention one day that one of your work mates/friends just dumped his girlfriend because her breath was so bad. And/or frequently offer her mints. If she still doesn't get the hint, stop kissing her and offer her another mint. If that doesn't work, she is too dumb/ignorant to kiss anyway.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My new girl is great; sex is wonderful and everything else, BUT she has one thing about her I don't understand. At first, sex was just normal. But now that she knows me better, she has revealed a rather bizarre fetish. She likes to watch "Wallace & Gromit" as we make love. She has also moaned Wallace's name while she touches herself. I can deal with this. It doesn't bother me too much, but recently she has gone even further. The other night she presented two costumes, one for me, one for her... of Wallace and Gromit. She wants us to wear them while we have sex, with me as Wallace and her as Gromit. I think she is an amazing woman, but if I give into this, will we ever have normal sex again?
- Scared Stiff

Dear SS,

W&G: Way too sexy

For the uninitiated, "Wallace & Gromit" is an Oscar-winning animated duo with heavy Northern English accents. Wallace is a bald man and Gromit is his dog. We now return to you to regularly scheduled sex-advice column. -- Ed.

Wallace does have a sexy accent, so I understand her yearning. Nothing wrong with role playing and acting out one's fantasy, as long as no one gets physically hurt. If you are dead against it, tell her you can't shag a dog or even someone dressed up as a dog because you frown upon bestiality.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I met a girl and fell madly in love. She said she is also in love with me and wants to be with me. We both are looking for a long-term relationship. When we met she told me she had mostly male friends and knows that I do not particularly care for the situation, but am willing to meet them and work on my own insecurities from previous relationships. (I have been hurt in the past by a girl who told me someone was just a friend.) She told me they were all purely friends and had never been with any of them previously. Now that I have given my entire being to her she has confessed that one of them was an ex lover. She said when they first met they only intended to enjoy each other's companionship without any strings. But during the relationship she fell in love with him. He told her all the things she wanted to hear to get what he wanted. When she told him how she felt the relationship ended. Now she claims they are only friends but sees him and speaks to him regularly on the phone.

She told me she knows it will never go anywhere, but she still has very strong feelings for him. When I found out I was devastated. I told her if she really wants our relationship to go forward she would have to stop all contact -- phone and e-mail conversations with him. She said she knows she needs to let him go, but does not know if she can. The situation is tearing me up inside every day and now I am not sure that I can really trust what she tells me since she was not up front with me when we met. I want so much to be with her I'm not sure if I am thinking straight. The last time we spoke she said she left him a message saying they need to talk and that when they do she is going to tell him they can no longer be friends. I am not sure if she can do this and if she does, can I really believe that it is over or that they may still have contact without letting me know? I don't know what to do or say and need a woman's perspective on the situation. Please help.
- Crushed

Dear Crushed,
Everyone lies a bit and it's usually to save someone's feelings from getting hurt. She told you she still has strong feelings for him, nothing can change that apart from time and perhaps falling deeply for you. But still, love doesn't die, it just subsides. I would tell her you need a break to think about all this, which will surely show you if she can or cannot live without you. He appears even more attractive to her now because he is so forbidden, so you need to make him less appealing. You have to put your love to the test. This ex-boyfriend shit will never end unless you call her bluff.

Take a break and if she comes back to you, she is all yours and you will be more confident and perhaps trust her again. If she doesn't come back, it may hurt, but at least you will know the truth and you will be free to love someone else who puts you number one on her list, where you deserve to be. (I would personally show her the door.)
- Dr. Dot

Dear Earl,
Say "Ladies first" and give her oral sex, then it will be your turn....
- Dr. Dot

Dear LL,
Make yourself a page on myspace.com and make it clear you are a lesbian and look for some in your area. That site is much better than a dating site. Everything is out in the open. You can see who you are communicating with and find someone close to you to meet. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, there should be gay bars/clubs near you. If not, you may want to relocate to the nearest big city, as that's where most open-minded and sexually adventurous people live. You could always try to convert a straight girl. It's been done a million times before. Approach a woman and say, "Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side," then show her how wide you can make your tongue. Works every time.
- Dr. Dot

Dear CC,
If you're unhappy about being "fat" then you should find time to go for fast walks as often as you can. But that's a whole different story. If you are heavy, the best position for sex is doggy style or the old-fashioned missionary position. You should make him sit on the corner of the bed, with you kneeling in front of him. You can titty fuck him and blow him, both of which will please him and he won't be looking at your chubby body, just your face and breasts. Many men like big women, but if it is making YOU unhappy, then get moving and get in shape. You will have more energy and it will increase your sexual appetite and most importantly, you won't be limited in sexual positions any longer. If you can't be bothered losing weight, keep in mind "the bigger the cushion, the better the pushin'" -- Frank Zappa.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Anon,
If you know someone will be viewing/touching your nicely shaved areas, then wait until that day to shave, as the second day is when the hairs start to poke through again and if they get irritated with sweat, perfume or heat, that can cause red bumps. There is a lotion called Tend Skin that you can put on the freshly shaved areas AFTER the skin dries. If you can't find Tend Skin you can soak some cotton balls with alcohol and aloe vera gel and saturate the shaved area, then let air dry. Also, change your razor blades as often as you can afford to and avoid cheap razors -- this is one area you shouldn't try to cut corners.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Anon,
What a sick bastard. Was he too lazy to get up and piss in the toilet? It's unhygienic and disgusting to piss inside of someone else. If you start itching, you may want to drag it to the gynecologist's office. Have fun explaining that one.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have been with a girl now for eight months. We're not legitimately going out but essentially we are. I'm a very sexual person and she also seems to be, but I am her first "boyfriend" and the first person she has done anything sexual with. Yet throughout our sexual relationship, she has never reached orgasm! This bothers me mainly because I would think of myself as very good at giving pleasure, due to my past experiences with girls, always getting them to climax in obvious gratification. The problem is I can get her moaning and squirming but she gets to a point that seems like unbearable pleasure and she can't go any further! I've never encountered a girl who can't bear to go on and I often wonder if it's psychological as opposed to physical. Yet she seems completely and utterly comfortable with me so I can't imagine why it would be a problem in her mind. Excuse the frustrated rant, I would appreciate any help you could give! Thank you.
- Thwarted Tom

Dear Tom,
"Always getting them to climax." Ha ha. Sorry to be the one to drop the bomb, but A LOT of women fake it just to get it over with. So, using the term "always" is just naive. MANY women have a problem climaxing. I personally know a large number of females who can't cum with a partner, only with themselves and I know a few who can't cum at all. I think she is just being honest; she moans and squirms when it feels good, but she doesn't fake it. Many would. Try giving her oral sex. It takes patience and time, but ask her where is the right spot and stick with it for at least 20 minutes. Don't change positions, or you will have to start from scratch. You should also ask her OUTSIDE of the bedroom, if she masturbates and if so, how long does it take for her to cum. Since she seems so comfortable with you, talking about these things will make things in bed much better. Just because a woman doesn't reach orgasm, doesn't mean she didn't enjoy you banging her. Women can have just as much fun without climaxing. It's nice, but not mandatory, as we don't have a stiff cock and bursting balls distracting us constantly. Amen.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Hell Bent,
There is a web site out there that you can post naked pictures of your ex boyfriend.

My current flame always says "revenge is best served cold," as in, if you try to get back at him too fast, he would know it was you, so take your time planning your revenge and let it rip when it's ready to serve.

You could do what Samantha from "Sex and the City" did and photocopy the naked pictures and post them all around his work building and neighborhood, etc., and write something on the photocopy like "BOB is a Shit Sticker" (gay) or something else clever like that. The best response, however, is no response. Try to find something constructive to do with your rage, like blow his best friend.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Bobby-Jo,
First of all, is his name R. Kelly per chance? If so, expect to see a video of your romp online in the near future. Trying not to pass judgment here but he sounds a bit too advanced/old for you. There are no reproductive organs up your poop shoot, so relax, you can't get pregnant from anal sex. You should always use condoms, no matter what hole you are "celebrating," especially anal sex.
- Dr. Dot

Dear GG,
Sorry, but if she can't learn to kiss you properly, it's a deal breaker. Kissing is super important. You have to enjoy it and even like their smell and taste in order for it to work. You've tried to teach her, she is too stubborn/dumb/thick to catch on, so she's gotta go. If you can't bear to leave her, make the best of her wide mouth and eager tongue and introduce her to your balls.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My boyfriend (of 11 months) and I finally broke up after an intense, passionate but havoc-ridden relationship. I know he loves me as much as I love him, but jealousy (from his side) drove us apart. ONLY ten days after our break, I called to say hello and check up on him (read: get him back) and a girl answered his phone. (It was 2 a.m.) The next day he emailed me and said, "You woke us up. Yes, she is my new girl and she is PERFECT for me." I am shocked in thinking he can move on so quickly. I was sure we were just on a break, didn't think it was THE break. How fast does it take for most people to move on? Are men heartless turds?
- Ms. Venice

Dear Ms. V,
You sound gutted, like someone ripped your heart out. Welcome to love. Love is like a dream. It hurts the most when you wake up. It usually takes women longer to get over a heartbreak. Men dull the pain with beer, friends and new pussy. Good thing is, once the woman is finally over the man, it's REALLY history. After the novelty of the fresh meat and beer wears off, the men tend to get sentimental and try to get their ex back.

I smell foul play in your situation. Sounds like he had been working on this other girl for a while as nobody lets a person they just met answer their phone. He met, fell for and got THAT close within two weeks? BULLSHIT. Just move on. If you can be that easily replaced, you should be happy you got that jealous lying asshole out of your life. (He was probably jealous because HE was up to no good.) Think: "NEXT!"
- Dr. Dot