NY Rock: Dear Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
What do I do about an ex-girlfriend that dumped me for another dude, but still wants to be friends? I would like to stay on good terms, but keep my distance and move on. I start to heal and she gets mad that I ignore her and she does silly things like comes into my work and flaunts her boyfriend and says stuff that hurts me. I have never said one derogatory thing to her. I have been cool to her and her boyfriend. But she won't go away! It has digressed to the point that I changed my instant messenger screen name and make it impossible for her to keep tabs on me. Yet, it's obvious she has her ways. I have deleted her from my myspace friends list and all, yet she keeps putting in those "friend requests". She won't go away! I don't understand this. Can you make heads or tails outta this? I am a nice guy by nature. But am ready to be an asshole. Ever heard one like this?
- Gordon

Dear Gordon,
I bet you give good oral; that's what this is all about. She thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence and left you. Her new guy probably doesn't lick her plate clean, if you get my drift, and now she is regretting it and, hence, freaking out. She is obviously not over you, but that's her problem.

Now, as it sounds to me, you are over her. If you took her back, you couldn't trust her anymore, and you must be turned off by her idiotic behavior. You are right to feel the inner asshole in you trying to get out. You may have to let him out to get the point across. Try writing her a letter and saying "Listen, you made your bed, now lie in it. I cannot be friends with you. It is too disturbing. Please move on and leave me alone. Peace." If that letter doesn't help, you will have to embarrass her in front of her new whipping post. When she drags him into your work again, repeat the words from the letter and she will crawl away with her tail between her legs. Have you ever heard that Stones song "Let Me Go"?
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am 20 years old and I am concerned about my small penis. It is almost 4 inches long fully erect, but only 2.5 inches in circumference. All my friends say I have a pencil dick. Girls often laugh at my fully erect penis and say "Is that all you've got?" or "Where is it? I can't feel it." Will I ever find a woman that will get pleasure out of my penis? Can I make it bigger?
- Tiny Tim

Dear Tiny Tim,
I know how you must feel, I have dated a few tiny men and they always felt bad about this situation. You could aim to please the female first with your mouth. Make it your mission to become the BEST man around for oral sex and they won't care about your cock size. (I have written a few times about how to lick a woman the right way, scroll back in time in my blogs/columns.) Take your tongue and make it flat and big like a cow, then make sure you lick the clit (hope you know where that is!) nice and firm, up and down, never losing contact. Keep it wet and ask if it is the right spot. Never give up until she cums. Then start shagging her. She won't even care about your cock size if you make her cum with your mouth!

Also, my male friends tell me that Asian women have really tiny, tight vaginas, so you could try them out. They seem to like small-sized men as they are small too. Like any muscle, your cock will get a tad bigger and stronger if you work it out a lot, you know, wanking and shagging, so try to wank a lot. ("Sir Wank A Lot").

Like Yoko Ono sang, "Every Man Has a Woman Who Loves Him." Not all men have to be big. There is someone out there who will love you just as you are. Don't worry about that. Women know that men with huge dicks are usually HUGE DICKS! Hence, small dick men are super nice. So it all depends what is important to the woman, a nice guy or a huge cock. Seldom do they come together. Hope that helped.
- x Dr. Dot

P.S.	-	You can't really make it bigger with an operation, so just wank.
P.S.	-	Make the ladies laugh and they will usually overlook most flaws.

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have been seeing this guy for about a month now and we have had sex like 12 times already. I love his penis. It's big enough and hard enough and he can get it hard anytime I need it to be hard, but he has never made me cum yet. We are usually so excited, that we do it right away, without much oral or foreplay as the penetration is so damn good. He has given me oral a few times, but really quickly and I could tell he isn't the best at it and so I just say "Oh, forget it. Just get up here and do me." When I try to get on top so I can cum, he starts to get soft and annoyed. He prefers to be on top. I am thinking of just throwing in the towel and ending our relationship, which is just us meeting once a week for a fuck (or three). Is it mean to leave someone because they can't make you cum? I have teased him a bit about it, but hello, I am starting to flirt around as I feel unsatisfied.
- Horney Heidi

Dear Heidi,
It's true that it's not always easy to get a girl to cum, but the fact that he isn't trying shows that he is impatient and selfish. A guy with a big dick who can't/won't make you cum is like being a diabetic in a candy shop. Do you think a guy would stay with a woman who can't make him cum? I doubt it. It means you two don't click properly. It sounds like you haven't fallen in love, so it won't be that hard to let go. Next time he calls and wants to know why you won't see him, quote one of my favorite Frank Zappa tunes ("Dinah-Moe-Hum"). "I got a spot that gets me hot, and you ain't been to it," or you could warn him nicely: "Listen, I don't seem to be able to orgasm with you, so unless we can work that out, I'm afraid it's best that I move on."
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
Why the fuck is it, when I am taken, all the women want me? When I am single, I have to try and try with the chicks to get laid or whatever. As soon as I have a lady on my arm, all the women suddenly start slipping me their phone numbers and winking at me. I feel like I am missing out on loads of pussy now that I have one.
- Damned-if-I-do, Damned-if-I-don't Don

Dear DDDD,
Women love a taken man. It's almost like a sure way to know if a man is worth a shit or not. If he is taken, he must be good enough to keep a female happy and support her. The man has been "tested and screened" already by a female. It is a survival-of-the-fittest game. A taken man is challenge and women love to play that "my pussy has more power than your pussy" game, as in "I can steal your man." It works both ways though. Females have the same situation. No matter who I have on my arm when I go out, all of the gorgeous females in the room want to fuck my date. It's crazy. The phrase "game of love" is not a joke. It is a game. If you are happy with your current squeeze, just enjoy her and the attention from the adoring females who try to grab your attention. Don't waste time thinking about what could be as you will miss the fun in what you have.
- Dr. Dot

Dear DD,
For some reason, I can't make my girlfriend come by penetration. Giving her oral gets the job done, but it takes ages and my jaw hurts after and I get a rash from her stubble. Anyhow, it makes me feel inadequate when she complains to me about it. Does this mean I am not good in bed? Am I missing out on some sort of secret? She is only 18. Maybe it's her fault! We need help please.
- Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,
First, throw some blankets on the floor, beds are too soft, she may never feel you properly on a soft mattress and your cock will seem bigger and harder when you do it on the floor.

Have her get on top of you, insert yourself, then put loads of KY Jelly or your favorite lube on your lower abs, from the cock up to the navel button. It all has to be wet (hopefully you don't shave that area, as stubble will scratch her clit big time!). Grab her ankles, and slide her back and forth like a cheese grater (she is the cheese, you are the grater) her clit will protrude in this position and rubbing it up against your lower abs should make her cum. Talk dirty to her. Tell her how fucking sexy she is, how you REALLY want her to cum all over you. This will help her get there. Try to lick her tits while she is on top. Your hands will be busy holding her ankles and grinding her into your lower abs, so use your mouth to lick and suck her nipples. Your reaching up to suck her breast will make your stomach muscles harder which makes it easier to rub her clit properly. This really works but may be hard if your belly is out of shape, but if you really want your girl to cum all over you and scream for joy, stick with it.
- Good luck,
Dr. Dot

Dear Fran,
Yes, it is true. Even if you are not pregnant, if the breasts are sucked a few times a day for a few weeks, they will start producing milk. The suction makes the body think there must be a baby around and it produces milk. You would have to find someone to suck on your tits at least three times a day and for 20 minutes each time in order for that to work. In the very far past, some women had this done to wet nurse. Upper-class ladies who had a baby but didn't want to breast feed would hire a wet nurse (a woman to nurse their baby). Sometimes the wet nurse had a baby of her own, but not always. It is really hard to get pregnant while breast feeding, but it is not a reliable form of birth control, so I wouldn't try this if that is what you had in mind. It certainly won't do you any harm, but it is a tedious task to get the milk to arrive. Nevertheless, some might see it as a good challenge and worth all the hard work. Let me know how it comes out (pun intended).
- Dr. Dot

Dear DD,
My boyfriend and I are both 18 years old and have sex on a regular basis. Once I got pregnant and had an abortion and it was hell in every way possible. I can't take the pill because I smoke and my gyno says it's bad for me and my guy hates condoms. He told me that if I jump around and then pee right after sex, I can't get pregnant. I am too afraid to ask my Mom about this so can you tell me if it is true?
- Penny

Dear Penny,
That has got to be the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Jumping around and pissing after unsafe sex will not prevent you from getting pregnant, nor will the ever-so-popular "pulling out" right before the guy shoots his wad. There can be up to 1 million sperm in pre-cum. Even having sex during your period could get you knocked up. Men have been known to make up stories to get in there without wearing a condom, as it feels better, but now that you know how much an abortion hurts, don't accept any bullshit. Use condoms along with spermicidal foam to be on the safe side. Too bad if he hates condoms: "No Glove, No Love."
- Dr. Dot

YO! Dr. Dot
Over the summer I was playing softball and got to be pals with the team. One of the guys had a hot girlfriend and would bring her to the games. I got to be friends with both of them and she would cut and highlight my hair (yeah, I am a bit vain). Anyhow, now they have broken up. She still does my hair (for SUPER cheap), but calls me just for the hell of it and has asked me to call her if I wanted to go out. She is flirty with me and I do want to fuck her silly, but I think it's bad to date a kinda friend's ex-gal. I am lost because I can't afford other hairdressers and don't want to lose her, but if I don't call her, she may get mad. Help!
- Jonesy

Dear Jonesy,
Shagging this girl would be a bad move. Summer wasn't that long ago, so the breakup is fresh and she may just be doing this to make her ex jealous and they may end up back together and you would look like an asshole if you went for it. Even if she isn't after revenge and really does just want you in her, think of all the pressure. If you don't do it right or don't commit, you lost yourself an inexpensive, friendly hairdresser. Best thing is to just tell her, "Look, I think you are great, but I have met someone else and I can't" or "I think it would mess up our professional relationship, so let's just keep it how it is, sugar."
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I met a girl online, fell in love and had her move in with me. She has turned into a lazy drunk and won't even work. Now I don't know what to do. She has crashed my car and even got arrested. I still have feelings for her, but I need my space back. She kinda changed her life for me, but now I have no life. I would feel mean just tossing her out on the street. Any clever ideas?
- Kurt

Dear Kurt,
If she doesn't work, how does she get money for booze to be the lazy drunk? Stop supporting her bad habits. No money for booze; no booze in the house, first of all. She will then be sober. When she is sober, talk to her. Tell her she has to change or move out. That is one of the problems with meeting someone online, you never know their secret habits (i.e., drugs, alcohol, porn addict, etc.) all of which can be easily hid over the Internet. If you really love her and can't part with her, at least get her to go to AA meetings. But it sounds to me like you have become her parent and this is no fun. If she doesn't snap out of it, buy her a bus ticket and send her on her way or you could just move out and leave her with the bills.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My best friend is cheating on her boyfriend, whom is also a friend of mine. He is in jail and gets out in a year and it is killing me not to tell him the truth. She says she loves him, yet drags a different man home every weekend and has sex with him. I find this disgusting and wrong. Should I tell him? I don't want to see him get hurt but also don't want to lose her friendship. This is a difficult situation and it's bugging me big time.
- Crystal

Dear Crystal,
First of all, let destiny run its course. Let things happen naturally. Don't get involved like that in other people's business. It's bad karma. Speaking of karma, know that what will be, will be and if she is being cruel to him, she may get a taste of her own medicine someday, but that is not your problem. Secondly, perhaps she really does love him and just fucks the other guys for fun. Men seem to be able to separate love from sex easily. They can be madly in love with one woman and yet fuck another and not let it interrupt the love they have for their woman. This has been going on since the beginning of time; no one can change it. Maybe your girlfriend has it all set in her head and heart. She loves him, but has "exercise" with other men until her big love gets out of jail. All the time and energy you are wasting on worrying about them surely must put a dent in your love life, no?
- Dr. Dot