NY Rock: Dear Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
There is this guy that I've been friends with for about six months. We are very close and talk to each other almost every day, go out for lunch often and travel together. He's in the music business, but not in a band. He's a really good guy and I've fallen for him, even though I didn't find him initially attractive. He says he cares for me and would do anything for me -- even offered me money when I was short on bills. I declined the offer. Basically, takes very good care of me.

One BIG problem: he's married. Now, nothing physical has happened between us, as I have too much respect for him to ruin his life. I don't think his wife knows that I even exist, but I have tremendous guilt about being so close with a married man. It's easy for most people to say, then back off, but every time I have I miss him tremendously and he calls from wherever he happens to be (even if it's Japan) to see where I've been and if I'm ok. I know nothing about his relationship with his wife -- not even her name -- although he talks about the rest of his family. There are no children. Having been married, I know that he should not be keeping me as a close friend and if I were his wife I would not want him around me. But, I have kept it at arms length and even when we are drinking nothing has happened. He has said on more than one occasion, "If he weren't married..."

I guess what I'm looking for is advice on if I'm doing something wrong here. He is always the one to contact me. I never call him. When I need to ask him something, I'll send him a text or email. He calls me back or calls for no reason at all. Ok, I'm done babbling. Give it to me!
- Ramble-on Rose

Dear Rose,
When someone takes the big plunge, as in, standing in front of a crowd saying "I do" and "till death do us part" they should lie in the bed they've made. You feel guilty because you know it's not cool. Men are the gas and women are the breaks. Also, the more time you spend with a taken man, the less time you have to meet and get closer to a single man. A LOT of married men say "if I weren't married" and "I will leave her soon," etc. It's usually fucking bullshit. They give their best to the mistress and the wife gets the tired leftovers. I am not a prude at all. I've just seen way too many girlfriends get hurt from married men and vice versa.

Why even bother hanging with a taken man? It will only lead to no good and if he did leave his wife for you, you could never trust him; he could very well be taking care of some other single woman, paying her bills and checking in on her, etc.

If he is in the nurturing mood, he should have a child. If he doesn't like his marriage, he should leave his wife, but not in the cowardly way (for another). He should end it, wait a while, then try for you. This is yet another reason why I frown upon marriage. It's old fashioned and it seems the pressure of marriage is what makes people want to stray. There are millions of single men. Why waste time on a taken one?
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I am 33 and the girl I dumped 3 months ago is just 19. We were together for a year and she loved me madly and I guess I loved her too, but since I still live at home with my parents, I felt pressure and I let her go. She has since joined the National Guard. Ever since then, I have realized that I in fact do miss and love her. These are things I couldn't sense with her the past two years. I've told her how I feel, and she's obviously a bit shocked about it, but more deservingly, leery to react towards this new found glory. Am I crazy? Why did it take her leaving for me to believe she's not one of the psychos I've had in the past? Why have I been afraid to acknowledge this before? What the fuck am I doing?
- Cosmic Charlie

Dear Charlie,
"Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got till it's gone." It could be that a tiny part of you felt you didn't deserve her or that you didn't deserve to be blissfully happy because you still live at home. Also, taking the next step with a woman would mean you have to change, as in, move out, get a better job that permits you to have your own place. Now, the fact that she isn't readily available makes her seem oh so much hotter suddenly. If you really feel this way about her you may have to take a drastic step to convince her, like move out, get a new place that has room for her. This could win her back, but keep in mind 19 is rather young and young people are fickle. Nevertheless, it may be worth a try. If it doesn't work, at least you will still have your own place and room for more of those "psychos" to sleep over.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I'm currently seeing this girl, and it's going very well. She seems to like me very much and the sex is great. But I'm used to more sexually adventurous partners, and while I'm not bothered by the fact that she isn't as experimental as my usual type, there is one thing I wish she'd change: she doesn't swallow. She dodges my cum whenever I finish anywhere outside of her (we are protected) and often runs to the sink to spit it out if it's in her mouth. I know she's happy when I do cum (and she cums frequently), but I just wish she would play with my cum a little, feel it on her skin or taste it or something, anything. (I've been told by previous partners that I taste nice.) How can I bring this up without seeming needy or fetishistic?
- Needy Ejaculating Dude

Dear Dude,
I know many women who don't like to give head let alone swallow a guy's tide. Sometimes it's not the taste that makes a girl run for the sink, it's the thought of doing it, texture and/or amount of spunk she gets in her mouth. Are you a chunky-style man? This will make most girls gag. If not, it could be she was brought up thinking it's disgusting to swallow or just plain finds it unhygienic. As with all things, communication is important. You have to hint around to her like "it would turn me on if you let me cum onto your tits" or "rub my juice all over your face, ok sweetie?" Tell her it's good for her skin, which is true. But make sure you don't get any of your spunk in her eyes! It stings like hell, makes the eye swell up and it will stay blood red for hours. If after you ask her to do it and she still resists, you may have to soothe yourself with the fact that you are at least getting oral sex on a regular basis. Not everyone can say that.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
My wife and I have had a few threesomes. Every time it's been m/m/f (two men, one woman). Now, the thing is she seemed to enjoy everyone of them and the amazing thing is that she initiated each one out of the blue, to my surprise and appreciation, as I had a blast! Anyway, she said she isn't going to do it anymore. She seems to have decided that since the majority does not do it, that it's got to be the wrong thing to be doing. GEESH!! I know I can't make her be or do anything, but is there anything I can do to maybe subtly get her on the fun side of it again? She took me to the water, I drank and now I'm thirsty for more. She knows I would love to. And it was so hot to see her fuck another man like that!
- Eager for More

Dear Eager,
She opened Pandora's Box and has to deal with the consequences of a hungry man. You can either ask her nicely, but respect her wishes or if you must, leave her, but I will warn you, this swapping thing doesn't last forever. Eventually someone ends up getting hurt. It's just not reality. You can use your imagination and use the images you have gathered from your romps for your wank bank. You could ask her to try a f/f/m threesome for a change. Maybe she is just tired of seeing you naked in the same bed as another man; all those balls could be a turn off.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Cathy,
Semen is made up of fructose, ascorbic acid, cholesterol, creatine, citric acid, lactic acid, nitrogen, vitamin B12, and various salts and enzymes, water, sugar, protein, vitamin C, zinc, and prostaglandins. The tiny amount of sugar and citric acid in his spunk are the only things that could harm your teeth, but you would have to drink pints of it on a daily basis without brushing your teeth for it to cause any damage. Blowing a guy without a condom is dangerous thanks to STD's, but if you are monogamous and have both been tested, then you're in the clear. Keep pieces of sugarless gum next to the bed to chew really fast right before you sleep to "brush off" any of this leftover residue.
- Dr. Dot

Hello Dr. Dot,
Thank you so much for your help. We broke up; I moved; we're friends, and my butt is extremely happy. (Remember, the anal-craved boyfriend that was hurting my ass?)

But now I have another quandary. Now that I've moved, a couple upstairs (and not even directly over me) has sex late at night every night and wakes me the hell up. She screams like a banshee for about ten minutes. I have thus far refrained from requesting that they restrict their amazing theatrical performance, thinking to myself that the situation is a bit funny. But now I'm sick of being woken up and have run out of people in other time zones that I can call when suddenly awake. How can I let them know that their lovemaking sounds like a cheesy porn movie without embarrassing them (too much)? Or do you think I should just go ahead and knock on the door and be like, please be quiet, you fuck ridiculously? Do some people just have to scream like that when they're doing it?
- Not Anal, but Annoyed

Dear NA,
Glad your ass can live in peace now, but the neighbors seem to have jumped in where your anal happy ex-boyfriend left off. No matter where you move to, there will usually be one annoying-as-fuck neighbor around to test your patience in one way or another, but this raunchy routine sex they are having must be dealt with. They are probably doing it to rub it in their neighbors' faces. "We are FUCKING and you're not!" So, you have to give them a taste of their own tacky medicine.

I am all for loud and wild sex, but come on, every night, the same annoying moans would drive anyone crazy. If Mr. Big Stuff wants to make his woman scream so loud, he should move out to the suburbs and get a secluded house where no one can hear their concert-style shags. The next time they wake you with their sex noises, get as close to them as you can, either through the walls or in front of their door if you have the balls and moan obnoxiously loud like you are being fucked by Tommy Lee in a fit of rage. If their manners don't kick in, you could (a) call the cops as they are indeed disturbing the peace or (b) type an anonymous letter and photocopy it a few times and post it all over the building that says, "Dear Mr... Apartment 123, We are happy you are getting your leg over on a regular basis, but give us a fucking break and stick a sock, or your cock, in her mouth so we can sleep!"
- Dr. Dot

Dear Joe,
Arm yourself with a nice warm dildo and give the boss a good poke. Use your mouth to bring her to the finish line and she won't mind that your tool has retired.
- Dr. Dot

Dear LP,
Since orgasms and ejaculation are separate, it is possible to have either one without the other. Orgasm can occur without ejaculation. Retrograde ejaculation is a condition where the bladder's sphincter does not close off properly during ejaculation, so semen flows into the bladder. This is what they mean by "dry cum" in which the man may experience orgasm, but no spunk comes out. Not sure if you can "master" this or why you would want to, but be happy it isn't happening to you as it usually happens to men who have diabetes, multiple sclerosis, or after some types of prostate surgery. Another case of the grass is always greener.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Goldie,
Most new lovers are like oxygen: you get too much, you feel dizzy, not enough and you feel like you're going to faint. Why can't they just find a nice middle ground and stick with it? This clingy behavior means he adores you and is afraid of losing you which is quaint but you have to let him know gently that it's too much. If you are courageous, next time he has you in a love lock say, "Honey, if we want this to last, we have to give each other a bit of space," and say it with a smile on your face so he knows you mean well. If you don't have the nerve to say it to his face, write him a letter. Make sure you make it short and sweet and highlight the fact that you adore him, but are not used to so much body contact and cuddling. Men understand actions better than words, so you could always just gently squirm out of his arms while talking, all the while smiling. He should catch on. If not, hammer time.
- Dr. Dot

Dear DAD,
You could be pregnant; those little fuckers can and will swim and surf up to their final destination even from outside of the grand entrance. Word: condom.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Layla,
First of all, why would you want someone who "dumped you for someone else"? I have the feeling you just don't like losing, but you need to let this go. He will never come back and if he did, it would be out of pity and he will never forget you called his cock SMALL. He will resent you and treat you worse than he did before. Just forget the tiny-tooled cheater and move on.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I lost my virginity to my boyfriend about a month ago. Ever since then, we've been having sex a lot. I don't really have a problem with that because we also do other things together. The thing is, every time we have sex he won't come until I come because of his philosophy that the guy shouldn't get pleasure if the girl isn't pleasured. And I don't know how to come. He tells me I'm supposed to feel this really good feeling, something I never felt before. The thing is I'm still not sure. So, every time we just end it when we are both tired. I do get really wet but I don't know if I came. Can u help me?
- Young Blood

Dear Blood,
First of all, congrats on finding a male that insists the female cums first. Bravo. Secondly, you have to spend some quality time alone, perhaps perched in front of a dirty movie and a tube of KY-Jelly to find out exactly how to make yourself cum. You can also try a shower head that has strong pressure. Don't feel sad or insecure, many women don't figure out how to cum until they are in their twenties. It's not like your mom teaches you how. It happens accidentally the first time and then once you figure out how to do it on purpose, you have mastered the art of wanking. When you have, you integrate that into sex with another. The clit is merely a tiny penis. Yes, we all start out pretty much the same down there and it stops growing for females and keeps on growing (God bless it) for the males. It has to be rubbed repeatedly with just the right amount of pressure and presto, the big O.

Spread a blanket out on the floor and put two or three pillows vertically on top of each other, forming what will be your "man." The floor is best, as it's hard and stable, for getting up into the hard to reach spot, also known as your clit. Cover pillows with a towel, as they will get wet. Have some lube and the remote control within reach. Lube up your favorite hand and lie on your hand and the pillows. No need to go inside, as the clit is what needs to be stimulated; this can be done easily by having your four fingers together (loads of lube) and rocking back and forth on top of your fingers (riding on hand which is between you and pillows). The pillows need to be vertical, as your legs should drape down on each side of pillows making more pressure on your hand/clit. Let go of all pointless thoughts, just get selfish and make sure you cum. Once you learn to do that, you will know what pressure and frame of mind it takes to trip your trigger.

Sometimes, a girl can make herself cum on a guy much easier than having the guy make her cum. If you are a slight control freak, you may have to make yourself cum on the guy (you on top, for example), as opposed to having him make you cum. Being on top of the man is the easiest way for most girls to cum, it's best if he grabs your ankles while you are on top and slides you back and forth like a cheese grater. (His dick is the Parmesan and your pussy the grater.) The best part of all this is you haven't faked it. Don't go there. Just tell him to keep trying and to be patient; it will happen.
- Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I'm really young, but have loads of experience. I've had plenty of sex, with plenty of people. I'm just aggravated with the fact that I've never had an orgasm from a guy. I can do it "manually," but I can't seem, no matter how hard I work, to get a nut from sex. That's all I want. It's about to drive me crazy. My current boyfriend and I have sex a lot, and he always cums, but I don't. I LOVE sex, but this is really starting to get annoying. Everyone says, "Oh, just keep trying, you haven't found the right thing," blah, blah, blah, but all I can see is that I have a very satisfied boyfriend, and a very unsatisfied coochie. I can't even nut when I get head, so I don't know what to do. And I've been in so many different positions, and angles, and all I am is sore, and "nut less." My boyfriend won't eat me out either. (The general argument is, "Hey, my dick has never bled. Ever.") So if you have any strategies on how to get him to munch me, let me know. I'll even try some new positions for what it's worth, but this is messed up. One other thing. Since I never get a nut, when he cums it's a little awkward. He's always tired, so I was wondering what I could do while he's nutting, or after he's cum, so I'm not just sitting there like "come on," and so I can get some more after he's done.
- Nut Job Jane

Dear Jane,
Read my answer to that honey above on my advice on how to cum with a guy. What's all this "nut" bullshit? Are you two rabid squirrels or what? If he isn't making you cum, and you know how to make yourself cum, like I said above, take control and ride him. Close your eyes and concentrate on getting there. If you have to, wank while he is shooting his load. If that lazy fuck isn't licking your snatch, quote that tart Lil' Kim and say, "If you ain't lickin' it, you ain't stickin' it!" If it's good enough to fuck, it's good enough to eat. Nuff said.

*Note: No, I don't make these questions up. People really do write in on a daily basis. It boggles my mind too.

- Dr. Dot