Christina Aguilera at the 46th Annual Grammy Awards, 2/8/04. Photo © 2004 Grammy.com.

The opening number featuring Prince and Beyonce doing a medley of "Purple Rain," "Let's Go Crazy," and "Crazy In Love" was bootylicious. Though he's an outrageous weirdo/musical genius, Prince looked better than he had any right to, making me pray that he's years away from a disintegrating nose and episodes of dangling kids out windows. He seemed much more socially adept than the unpronounceable symbol he was in the 90s. (Prozac? Yoga? "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"?) He and Beyonce were total sex bombs. An Ike and Tina Version 2.0, if you will. Jay-Z, time to check the want-ads.

Quentin Tarantino claimed the performance was "da bomb!" and rattled off some hyperactive ghetto slang. Fittingly, he presented the award for Best Contemporary R&B album with one-time ghetto bastard and Eve homegirl Gwen "Orange County is totally, like, urban" Stefani. Winner: Beyonce, Dangerously In Love. Verdict: Doy.

Sting, Vince Gill, Dave Matthews, and Pharrell played "I Saw Her Standing There" as an homage to the Beatles, who are marking their 40th anniversary in America. Pharrell looked like a School of Rock extra, like he learned the drums the day before. But he's a Neptune, so it's okay.

Shamelessly shocking the masses, Christina Aguilera wore more clothes than anyone's ever seen her in. Pin striped suit, shirt, and tie were all in check. She sang "Beautiful," but looked like a busted-ass drag king in a bad toupee. Repeat: Xtina had a complete outfit on.

Sting and Mary J. Blige at the 46th Annual Grammy Awards, 2/8/04. Photo © 2004 Grammy.com.

"Underneath It All" by No Doubt nabbed Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group. Gwen was snapping her fingers, trying to remember who else to thank when it dawned on her, "Oh yeah, the fans!" Drummer Adrienne Young's Mohawk-ed head closely resembled a horse from, um, behind. Verdict: Ease off the hair peroxide, kids. It's starting to impair your judgment.

Stud muffin Beck introduced the White Stripes, who battled atrocious strobe lighting yet managed to get their rocks off. Jack White's voice resembled a skinned knee, but at least he got rid of that dopey mustache.

Questionable flub of the evening: Steven Tyler announces OutKast's The Love Below as Best Rap Album. But the OutKast album was a double disc titled Speakerboxxx/The Love Below. The former was Big Boi's contribution, while the latter came from Andre 3000. So Tyler, in effect, only recognized Andre's half. Awkwardly, Andre trotted on stage, took the trophy, said "Thank you" and walked off. Verdict: A big "whatthefuck?".

Hottie of the Night went to Marg Helgenberger of "CSI" fame. The woman is 50 and more smoking than twin Beyonces. Rowr.

Best Male Pop Vocal predictably went to Justin Timberlake for "Cry Me a River." He made a comment on the Janet Jackson nipple fiasco, but I didn't hear what he said. Why? Because I was shouting at the TV. Why? Because the camera panned to his mother, who HAS ENORMOUS BREASTS AND WASN'T AFRAID TO SHOW THEM. Justin, forget about Janet's tit, cover up your mother for chrissake. Verdict: Mrs. Timberlake has huge boobs. We're talking bangers.

Lovely, muscle-bound Madonna introduced Sting, who flogged a very dead horse by singing "Roxanne." But he gets points for wearing a skirt. Deduct points for wearing knee socks with the skirt. Sting was joined by Sean Paul, who added a dancehall-reggae flavor to the performance. Sean Paul, you seem cool, but I can't understand a damn word you say.

Hilary Duff and Paulina Rubio – whose hair was a windblown travesty – presented the award for Best Female Pop Vocal. Winner: Xtina for "Beautiful." Remember when I said Xtina wore a complete outfit for her performance? Well, she made up for lost skin time by wearing a top that resembled the infamous J-Lo Versace dress. Xtina made some sidehand comment with regards to not wanting her tatas to fall out like Janet Jackson's. "I'm just trying to keep it together up here." Ironically, her breasts were so un-together you could've driven a Buick between them. She thanked "Beautiful" songwriter Linda Perry and I almost jumped off the couch to see Perry sporting a wicked spiked Mohawk and pinstriped suit like the rockin' bitch she is. Verdict: Stripped isn't just the title of Xtina's album, it's her way of life.

Sean Astin and Norah Jones presented the award for Best New Artist, the award that Jones herself took home last year. Winner: Evanescence. This came from left field. The safest bet was 50 Cent, so when the academy gave the award to a female-fronted rock band, plenty of people were taken aback. Not the least of whom was 50 himself. The shmuck walked across the stage as singer Amy Lee began her acceptance speech. Dude, you lost. Swallow your pride. It's okay. You still gangsta. Even though you were completely shut out of the awards. Verdict: Though Lee looked like she had a fight with a roll of electric tape and came away with an outfit, it's nice to see a hard rock band win this award.

Samuel L. Jackson was the MC of a righteous funk medley that featured Earth, Wind and Fire, Outkast's Big Boi, Robert Randolph and the Family Band, and George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic. They turned that mutha out.

Beyoncé at the 46th Annual Grammy Awards, 2/8/04. Photo © 2004 Grammy.com.

Mary J. Blige and Michael McDonald presented Record of the Year to Coldplay for "Clocks." My guess, Beyonce's "Crazy In Love" was denied. Chris Martin dedicated the win to "Johnny Cash and John Kerry who will hopefully be your president one day." Verdict: That was just stupid.

Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne (showing up in a neckbrace) were up next. While Sharon told everyone how happy they were to be at the Grammys, Ozzy blurted, "I'm happy that I'm anywhere." They presented the award for Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group. Sharon opened the envelope with the obligatory "And the Grammy goes to" and Ozzy shouted "Me!" It made me laugh like hell for some reason. Oh yeah, it's late and I'm delirious. Winner: Warren Zevon and Bruce Springstein.

The White Stripes won for Best Rock Song ("Seven Nation Army") and Best Alternative Album (Elephant). Pink won Best Female Rock Vocal Performance; Metallica won Best Metal Performance; and Dave Matthews won Best Male Rock Vocal Performance. Verdict: Rock had a rough year, eh?

Song of the Year went to Luther Vandross and Richard Marx for "Dance With My Father." Verdict: We're rooting for you, Luther, even though we wouldn't know this song if it jumped up and bit us on the ass.

Andre 3000 got the USC marching band to join in his performance of "Hey Ya!" While the kids in the marching band probably thought they were hot shit performing with Mr. 3000, we're sorry to inform them that they still looked like massive tools, especially with the face paint and feathered caps.

Faith Hill and Carlos Santana closed the 46th Grammy awards by presenting Album of the Year to the obvious pick, Outkast for Speakerboxxx/The Love Below. Big Boi and Andre 3000 made it a point to thank L.A. Reid, the former boss man of their record label, Arista. Reid recently got the boot, so right about now, the Arista folks are eating a bowl of poo. Andre capped off the evening with an energetic form of thanks: "Stank you, stank you, stank you very much!"